I Got A Fever...

...and the only prescription...

...is too many purple polka-dotted accessories.

A SEPTA Miracle

Today on my way home I bore witness to an amazing event on a southbound 47 bus:

The bus is packed as it usually is during rush hour. I'm standing in the back, and just in front of me to my left, a young man of about 16-17 years of age is sitting. A middle-aged woman was squeezed in a couple of feet in front of me and forced to stand. Their exchange went as follows:

Young Man: "Ma'am, would you like to sit?"
Middle-Aged Woman: "No, it's okay, I'm off in a few minutes anyway."
YM (standing up and gesturing towards the seat): "It's fine. Please sit."
MAW (smiling brightly): "Thank you, sweetie."

In a world where we groan and mumble about kids not having any respect and looking/acting foolishly (I admit that I snickered at the young man's backwards cap and harem sweatpants), it was wonderful to see a young person exude such good manners. His parents clearly raised him right and should be proud.

Just as importantly, the middle-aged woman had the good sense to reward the young man's kindness with a smile and a genuine "thank you, sweetie." Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all acted like this all the time? Men like me who are very concerned with dressing like gentlemen (i.e. men like me who have nothing better to do) sometimes forget that acting like gentlemen is what really matters. The clothing is simply an extension of that.

Chivalry's not dead until we let it die, everyone. Great weekends all around.

More Wedding Attire, or Kvetch and Ye Shall Receive, Pt. II

HUGE SURPRISE ALERT: I'm putting a lot of thought into my wedding attire than most people (present company included) put into their retirement plans. 

This is not to say that people should pay more attention to their retirement plans, but rather that I should consider, you know, getting a life. But if that happened I'd have nothing to blab about, and how terrifying would that be? 

In another huge surprise, I decided to splurge and have a suit and shirt made for my wedding. A fully custom process was a bit out of my price range (well, way out of my price range given the fabric I selected), but this will still be a fully canvassed made-to-measure piece. Prepare yourself for a bit of geekdom and check out these fabrics:

The grey/tan plaid fabric at the top will be for my jacket and trousers, and the white with green check will be my shirt. Amazingly, it only took me about an hour to decide on these -I budgeted approximately three days- but I'm sure that's because I knew which bells and whistles I wanted in the first place. For example:

The suit fabric is from an English mill with a French-sounding name: Dormeuil (pronounced "door-may"). I went with an 8-ounce fabric, which is lighter than average and will be helpful when I'm outdoors in late August and sweating like a maniac anyway because I'm getting married. My original idea was to wear an odd vest with this get-up but practicality got the best of me and I decided it'd be best to not overheat myself.

Suit Details

• Peaked-lapel, two-button jacket with hacking (slanted) pockets. Put a ticket pocket on there too, just because.
• 1/8 lining on the jacket. This is another way to help keep you cool in warm weather: less lining means less heat will be trapped around your body. 
• Side vents. Obviously.
• Contrast-color stitch on some sleeve buttonholes. Not sure which yet.
• A simple but significant name label.

The shirt is a beauty too. It's an 80's two-ply cotton (80 threads per square inch in a strong, wrinkle-resistant cotton) that will look ridonckulous (sp?) with this tie.

Shirt Details

• "Cutaway" French cuffs. Think a less drastic version of this.
• A simple monogram on the natural waist, right where Fred Astaire would have placed it.
• Spread collar.

I think that I have to keep the whole look a surprise until the wedding day, so there won't be any pictures of finished product until Labor Day. Be on the lookout!

Reader Question, In Which I'm Told I Look Douchey In A Roundabout Way

Going back through some reader comments, I found this in response to "Red, Red Pants."

"Sorry and I mean no offense by this, but this outfit looks too douchy (sic) and too fratty. First ask yourself: would Marlon Brando, Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, or Cary Grant wear this? Would a 21-year-old in a fraternity wear this?"

As always, thanks for reading. I don't take any offense to your disagreeing with my taste, though  I submit that "douchey" isn't a particularly helpful adjective for constructive criticism. 

My response to your first question is that it doesn't matter whether or not these men would wear this outfit. Obviously all of these men were/are known, at least in part, for their wardrobes. It's smart to use them as a point of reference when building a wardrobe. Cary Grant is often fawned over by the menswear giant Alan Flusser, and Steve McQueen's clothes in the original Thomas Crowne Affair were splendid. That doesn't mean, however, that any deviation from what they wore is sartorial faux pas. None of the men you mention here were known to hold up their trousers using a tie instead of a belt, but you know who was? Fred Astaire.

Please bear in mind that I'm not saying that I'm on the same sartorial level as Fred Astaire (who happens to be my sartorial hero). I'm just saying that staying perfectly within the lines isn't always the best course of action.

I'll answer your second question with another question: Do you see a popped-collared polo shirt and backwards baseball cap anywhere in this photo?

Kvetch and Ye Shall Receive

Remember that time a few days ago when I was complaining about the cold weather? Well, it hit 50 degrees today and I couldn't help but celebrate with this:

Not my first-ever floral tie, but definitely my most aggressively floral one. It's got a supple hand* to it as well, so this guy should knot quite nicely when I finally do wear it for my wedding in less than six months**. After that, this might just be the tie that forces me to buy that canary yellow shirt I've always been curious about but never had the cojones to buy.

Just because we haven't seen April showers doesn't mean we can't dream of May flowers. 

*"Hand" (or sometimes "handle") is fancy-shmancy clothes-speak for how something feels; sort of the clothing equivalent for "nose" when talking about wine. If a fabric has a supple hand, that basically means it feels nice. Kind of smoke and mirrors, but it's still industry standard.

**HOLY CRAP I'M GETTING MARRIED IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.

Never-Ending Winter

The winter of 2013-2014 has been one of the most difficult in recent memory. There's been no shortage of snowstorms and their related school closings, and we've even experienced deep freezes due to the "polar vortex." I'm a Bostonian by birth and have lived through some cold winters, but this is new terminology to me. I don't know about you, but polar vortex sounds like an end-of-days kind of scenario, and it sure as hell feels like it. When it dips to nine degrees at night, you have to wonder if the world is, in fact, coming to an end. Thanks, Obama.

To think, just a few short winters ago, I was giving advice on how to dress for unseasonably warm times in this post. What I wouldn't have given an hour ago to have those kinds of temperatures when I was schlepping dry cleaning and groceries around town and missed the bus that would have taken fifteen minutes off of my commute.

I'm sick of this winter. I want to want to go outside, and as much as I'm bananas about layering, there's such a thing as too much of a good thing. For the sake of comparison, you wouldn't eat Chinese food every day, would you?

Wait, bad example. I would, at least if it were from Han Dynasty.

But I digress. I figured that if the temperature isn't going to rise beyond 30 degrees (and yes, I know that it's still technically winter), I'll play sartorial ball for now. With that said, I'm proud to show you my newest necktie. Note how the dark colors are cold-weather appropriate:

The blazer is the same double-breasted jammy I wrote about in a post with the same name, and once again my phone's camera, while nice, simply doesn't do the color justice. It's a rich navy, not the crap-tastic black your eye may perceive here.

Once springtime comes, though, it's sockless shoes and straw fedoras or bust.

Old Man Chic

Hot damn, it has been a long time since my last post. To those of you who read and enjoy my occasional ramblings, I apologize for the extended absence. As it turns out, when you work from home and have little reason to dress up, inspiration to write about dressing up is sparse. If I blathered on about the slim jeans and plaid shirts I wear on days when I don't have appointments, I'd sound like any issue of GQ that's been published over the last five years. If I didn't have something worthwhile to say, then I'd say nothing at all.

To the rest of the world that could give a damn about this blog, well, I guess none of this matters anyway. Carry on.

OLD MAN CHIC

Check these puppies out, and note that I wouldn't wear them with these jeans or socks:

I already threw these up somewhere on Bookface so these might not be new to some of you. My apologies. I was, however, asked what makes for "old man chic." Here's a little run-down on what I hope to dress like when I'm rocking bushy eyebrows and yelling at the neighborhood kids to GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN:

1. The fact that we're looking at a tassel loafer specifically puts us into old man territory. I've written about tassel loafers previously so I won't spend too much time on this, but trust me when I say that tassels on shoes traditionally signal an exit from middle-aged manhood into old manhood.
2. Now that we've established that these are old man shoes, what makes them old man chic? First, peep the contrasting color tassel. Second, peep how it matches the trim around the shoe's outer edge. Wasn't that some worthwhile peeping you just did?
3. Full disclosure: these are not real crocodile skin shoes. They're a regular leather (cow hide) that's been embossed to resemble crocodile and I think it's sleek as hell. When I was younger I used to dislike exotic skins and their replicas (croc, alligator, ostrich, stingray, etc.), but they've grown on me in recent years. In fact, it's appropriate that my I indulge my age-related change in taste with some old man shoes, isn't it?   

I'd also like to point out that the vamp on these shoes (see link above for a full explanation of a vamp) is much lower than the other pairs of tassels that I own. This, in my opinion, gives them even more geriatric style but also makes them more difficult to pull off for a guy who hasn't even had the chance to decline to go to his ten-year college reunion. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that once the weather warms up these are going to kill with slim khakis and no socks. Just saying.

Red Red Pants

A couple of years ago my parents and I finally dropped all gift-giving formality and we started giving each other gift cards for holidays and birthdays. I used to think that gift cards smacked of thoughtlessness, but I've since come around to the line of thinking that it's actually less thoughtful to buy someone something you're not sure they'll like just so you can feel good about yourself for making the effort. Kind of defeats the purpose of gift-giving, doesn't it?

In any case, my parents were nice enough to give me a Banana Republic gift card for my birthday. I used to work for them in my college days and have always liked their stuff, so I was pleased to receive it. I ended up getting these bad boys:

They're a little too orange and not mauve enough to be Nantucket reds (some other lucky diminutive guy already got our size), but they're pretty obnoxious and I love them for that. They're a smash with a white shirt and my blue suede loafers, but I wore them to work on a casual day and paired them with tan/cream argyle (trust me) socks and my tobacco wingtips. On top was a blue coat, blue/white gingham shirt, and a tan tie in raw silk:

The pocket square was a handmade birthday gift from a friend; it pairs nicely with the tie and is done in a motif with archaeological tools and finds. Given that my girlf fiancee is an archaeologist, I think it now makes sense to incorporate some of that into my wardrobe. Now all I need is an Indiana Jones hat.

Here's the whole getup:

I was so pleased with this combination of things I could have exploded. I have only one other pair of obnoxious pants, but they're a deep brown and not nearly as loud as these. Are they for everyday wear? Certainly not; put these on twice in a week and all of a sudden I'm the Guy in the Ridiculous Red Pants. Once a month, on the other hand, just means that I get to scream for attention every once in a while and get away with it.

An Open Letter To Dwyane Wade

Mr. Wade,

Please allow me to begin this letter by commending your talents as a professional basketball player. Being a guard for the Miami Heat for the past decade has brought you fame and fortune, and you certainly deserve it; two world championships and your scoring 2386 points in the 2008-09 season are superlative to say the least. You're one of the best of your time, an Olympian, and clearly a great guy whose involvement in philanthropy is as selfless as it is profoundly generous.

With that out of the way, I'd like to ask you what you were thinking when you put these pants on:

It's tough to tell whether you had your pants hemmed at this length or if you just rolled them up, but either way I respectfully question your sartorial judgement on this one. Rolling them up, while not a bad thought in the summertime (and something I do myself), makes no sense when you're a) indoors, and b) wearing a not just a jacket, but a double-breasted one. If you had them hemmed this short, well, I don't really know what to say except, "Please don't do that again."

While I appreciate the fact that you avoided the four-button single-breasted trap that so many of your fellow players fall into and went with a 6x2 double-breasted jacket, I humbly remind you that a double-breasted suit is arguably the dressiest of all suits and it isn't done proper justice when worn with what appear to be ladies' capri pants.

Plus, they just look silly.

My professional opinion is to have you throw on some matching full-length pants. Jeans or chinos will also do, assuming that they, too, are full-length. If you don't have anything that fits the bill, I cordially invite you to stop by my showroom the next time you're in town playing the Sixers to have a drink and talk pants.

Yours in style,

Mike

Style Profile: Justin Timberlake

I've been doing a great job of pissing off my girlfriend, friends, and co-workers in the past couple of weeks because I keep singing Justin Timberlake's "Suit & Tie" like this:

As long as I've got my suit and tie
I'ma leave it all on the floor tonight
Beda duh dah dah what you like
Lemme show you a few things

All dressed up in black and white
And you're dressed in that dress I like
Herpa derp derp derp derp-a-die
Lemme show you a few things

Being a high school guy in the late 90's and early 2000's when N'Sync was a thing, it was basically against Massachusetts state law to like them. Justin Timberlake was the de facto leader of the group, so being a fan of his was particularly off limits.

Times certainly have changed.

As far as his image is concerned, the Justin Timberlake of 2013 is vastly different from that of 2001, and the dude is killing it musically and sartorially. He's transformed from a teenybopping pop star to a talented, respectable song-and-dance man. If Frank Sinatra had grown up listening to hip-hop and soul, he would have been 2013 Justin Timberlake. Check out this live performance, for example:

The band is tight, his voice is on point, and the back-up dancers are talented and fun. But let's break down the clothes:

• The jacket: See the lapels on that baby? These are not your trendy, narrow-ass lapels you see splashed on the pages of GQ. These are a much more classic width -rather wide, even- and it gives him the air of a confident, grown man instead of a childish pretender to the throne.
• The bow tie: He's wearing a bow tie. It looks like he tied it himself. This is awesome.
• The shirt: I'm actually not doing backflips over this. It doesn't look bad per se, but I question the color choice, and it seems that the sleeves are a bit too long in relation to the jacket sleeves. 
• The shoes: I am doing backflips over these bad boys. Black and white saddle shoes with an otherwise formal get-up? This is an excellent way for him to draw attention to his feet, and his influence for it comes from one of the best-dressed men in American history, Fred Astaire:

• The back-up dancers' white socks: White socks and black shoes? Talk about a direct nod to Michael Jackson:

Having tapped into these kinds of influences, I'm excited to see what Mr. Timberlake does in the future. For now, he's evolved into one of the best-dressed male entertainers of our time. Kudos to him. 

For Krystle

Krystle Campbell was my friend, and her wake is today. She was one of the three people murdered senselessly in the bombings at the Boston Marathon last week, and I spoke with a mutual friend this morning who summed it up succinctly by saying, "This is fucking surreal."

My friend has always had a way with words.

I've been very fortunate insofar as I haven't had to deal with too much tragedy in my life. Sure, the whole country mourned 9/11, but other than that, my experience with death has been limited to what most would consider normal. My grandparents' deaths were sad of course, but you could at least take solace in knowing that their passing was in the natural course of things.

Krystle's death, on the other hand, shouldn't have happened. She would have been 30 next month and had her whole life ahead of her. Most importantly, she was a genuinely wonderful human being who didn't deserve to have her life taken from her, and her family doesn't deserve to have to mourn for a loved one who was killed at such a young age. This injustice makes me (and plenty of others) seethingly furious as well as profoundly upset, but I take a small amount of solace in the fact that the outpouring of support from the local community, the country, and even the world has been tremendous. Nothing will bring her back, but to see my social media feeds flooded with words and pictures of encouragement from all around the globe has been heartening to say the least.

Still, I don't really know what to think of this, and the sadness I feel is completely beyond the scope of the English language.

Krystle and I met in the fifth grade at the Swan School in Medford, Massachusetts. We were even each others' boyfriend/girlfriend for a short time in the cute, innocent way that eleven-year-olds "date" each other. In fact, I remember one particular instance at Magoun Park where her friends had to hassle the shit out of me to do so much as give her a peck on the cheek, which I'd resisted up to that point not because she wasn't cute (I remember thinking that she was actually very pretty), but due to my incredible fear of kissing girls. I guess I just wasn't ready to get tied down.

Fast forward about fifteen years later, after I'd graduated from college and settled permanently in Philly. She dated a close friend of mine for a while during those years, and I always made it a point to hang out with them whenever I was home for a visit. This is when I had the privilege to get to know her as an adult, and what a joy she was to be around! She was an astute, warm, easygoing young woman whose smile was bright enough to light up an auditorium. She loved her dog Rocky and was funny as all hell, too. On top of all this, she was one of the most down-to-Earth people you could ever meet. She'd seen a lot in her life and never passed judgement on anyone as a result.

The memories I have of Krystle will stay with me forever, and I'm honored that I was a part of her life, albeit it in a very small way. Her death was untimely and unjust, but the Krystle I knew -the smart, funny, warm young woman who brought joy to those around her- will live on forever in my heart, my mind, and my soul. Even now that she's gone from this world, her memory can put a smile on my face. I hope anyone who reads this and was affected by last week's tragedy can say the same, difficult as it may be.

Krystle Campbell was my friend.

My New(-ish) Sport Coat

I've been working for a custom tailoring shop for a year now, so I'm almost ashamed to admit that one of my favorite articles of clothing is actually a sport coat I got off the rack. Not only is it ready-to-wear, I got it way on sale back when Daffy's was liquidating their inventory before they closed their Chestnut Street store. I had my tailor do some minimal work on it and it has since become my favorite coat, despite being so bold as to lack the versatility of this one. Check this baby out:

That's right, folks. It's a mega-bold brown/tan/orange plaid that looks, ahem, good'n'a mug with dark jeans or my stone-colored corduroys. Sure, it fit me very well right off the hanger and was priced to move, but it had so many rarely seen details that I couldn't have passed it up even if it were pricier. Here's why:

It's got a 3X2 Roll

This means that the lapel rolls to the second (middle) button, which makes the top buttonhole purely for show and is visible with the middle button fastened. It's not an uncommon detail, but I think it's very smart when worn with a sport coat.

It Has Elbow Patches AND Surgeon's Cuffs

I used to hate elbow patches. I was in my early 20's and thought I knew everything about getting dressed, and I'd decided that elbow patches just made things look messy and unkempt. That opinion changed in the past few years and I was pumped to see grey flannel patches on this jacket.

The functional sleeve buttons were fun to see on a ready-to-wear coat, but I knew from experience that shortening the sleeves as much as I needed would compromise their functionality. My tailor Jay very pleasantly surprised me when he showed me the finished product: I ended up with two two-button sleeves (a very Northeastern preppy detail) and he maintained the functionality of both. I damn near did backflips.

It's Got A Wind Tab

That extra bit of fabric at the gorge is called a windtab; there's a button on the other side of the collar (on its underside) to which the windtab is fastened. These are pretty rare and look great on sportswear like this. Too bad this one doesn't even come close to buttoning for some reason.

Finally, The Breast Welt Pocket 

Another very sporty look, and I'm not sure that I'd ever seen one in real life before the day I bought this. It's strange for me to wear a blazer without some kind of pocket square, but the flap tucks in nicely if I ever want to throw some linen in there. It's a fall-weight wool, but I can't wait until it warms up just a bit and I can show it off instead of wearing it under an overcoat. The Internet will have to suffice for now.

My Bow Tie Resolution

Neckties have always been in my closet but weren't a regular part of my rotation until about 2009 or so. In that time span I've increased my collection significantly and have enjoyed the hell out of wearing them, but back on New Year's Eve I decided that it was time to start wearing bow ties more regularly.

Bow Tie Tips

I wrote about some different bow tie silhouettes in a previous post, so I won't re-hash that stuff here. One nugget of information I forgot to mention is that you should keep the width of the tie no wider than that of your face. Otherwise you run the risk of looking like your head has been gift-wrapped. 

Why Bow Ties?

I'll be the first to admit that bow ties are tough to pull off in the real world. They won't fly in most business scenarios and if not carried off well, you can look fusty, clownish, or stereotypically professorial.

When you rock the hell out of a bow tie, however, you send a message to the world that not only are you unconcerned with fitting into the mold of a dressed up guy, you are in fact aggressively unconcerned with it. I have to confess that sending such a message appeals to me, so I figured I would sack up and actually start wearing them.

The only issue? I only own three that I really like. One is an all-season silk that you see above, and the other two are a madras cotton for summer and a navy wool number for the winter. I guess I'll just have to buy more.

Men's Cocktail Attire

I got a great question recently:

"Need a clothing expert opinion. "Cocktail attire" is vague for a man. Would you wear a suit and tie, no tie, or go in a completely different direction?"

Ah, a rare instance in which it's actually more confusing for men to dress properly than it is for women. Ladies' cocktail attire is simple: wear a cocktail dress and a flirty pair of pumps, throw on some jewelry and do yah hurr. Standards for men are understandably more confusing.

As always, keep your surroundings in mind when considering how to dress for an occasion. This particular cocktail party is in the evening at a hotel in Boston and is work-related. This means you want to look good and tailored but not do anything to make your co-workers remember you negatively because of what you wear.

I rarely recommend it, but this is a time when a black suit would be appropriate. While it's too stark for daytime businesswear, black clothes are good for evening social occasions. Given that this is an evening social occasion in the wintertime in a major metropolitan area in the Northeast, I'd go with a black suit. A white or blue shirt will look fine, but if you have something bolder that's maybe a little much for the office, now's the time to bust it out.

If you decide to wear a tie (and I would), have more fun than a plain solid. It goes without saying, but keep in mind the pattern and color of your shirt when coordinating with your tie. Wear a pocket square. Even if it's just a plain white cotton one.

Finally, bust out a nice watch, some cool cufflinks, and some killer socks to round out the ensemble. And whatever you do, try not to get too drunk. It's still work-related.

Tapered Pants, The Sequel

DRESS PANT SILHOUETTES

Professionally speaking, I spent the end of 2006 through the beginning of 2012 in jeans. You've presumably read my endless blabbering about how my taste in denim changed over the years, so I'll just say that my jeans nowadays are a slim-fitting straight leg with very little break. I thought I wanted my dress pants to fit the same way when I took my new job back in April of 2012. What follows is the lesson I learned (the hard way) in the hopes that if you're a reader who's into a mega-slim pant leg, you'll think twice.

My college job was at Banana Republic as a sales associate, and I loved it. I was one of the younger employees and not only was I proud to work in a much higher-end environment than I'd ever been in before, I really enjoyed being dressed up on campus during the day. Not only did it mean that I could head right to work from class; I also enjoyed the attention I got being the guy in slacks and a dress shirt while everyone else looked like, well, college kids.

I had a bunch of dress pants at the time: dark charcoal pinstripes, navy with tan pinstripes, solid grey flannels, and a bunch of others. Too bad I had no idea how they were supposed to fit. I wore them a little below my hips like you would a pair of jeans, which in hindsight meant that the rise (crotch) looked way too low. I had the inseams shortened accordingly, which screwed me in the end. When I tried them on again during a closet clean-out in 2007, I pulled them up to my natural waist (where they belonged) and they were way too short, without enough material to let down.

Well, shit.

PANT BREAK

I hadn't worn dress pants regularly for many years when I ordered some for my new job, and this lack of recent experience bit me in the ass. While I learned my lesson about wearing dress pants at my natural waist, I let my taste in denim (barely any break, very slim leg openings) get the best of me. 

The result? Look at the picture above. I got pants that sit nice and high on my waist but are so breakless that they're fine when standing but show too much sock when I walk, even for my taste. What's worse is that I had them made so tapered that even if I were to have them lengthened, they wouldn't have enough room to rest comfortably on my shoes. They're fine, but anything I get in the future will have a bigger leg opening, for sure.

My style is apparently more fluid than I thought.

Tale of the Tapered Jeans

STYLE IS A WORK IN PROGRESS

Like most people in the civilized world, I've been wearing jeans all my life. I didn't give a crap about what I wore until I was about 16 years old, and like a novice in any field, I sucked at first. In high school I owned both painter's jeans and carpenter's jeans, the difference being that the carpenter's jeans had the same stupid pockets but were somehow baggier than the already-massive painter's jeans. I would pair these with slim t-shirts in the hopes that it would show off my chiseled physique and attract the attention of cute girls in school.

"Fail" wasn't a thing at the time, but if it had been, it would have applied to that last sentence.

As I got to college and took a job as a sales associate at a Banana Republic, I started paying closer attention to how clothes were supposed to fit and became a fan of a denim silhouette known as "slim bootcut." This was my go-to choice even after graduation.

Fast-forward to 2007, when I finally stopped wearing boot-cut jeans and started slimming things down. My pants became increasingly tight until one day I was in a second-hand shop and found a dark pair of Levi's in my size. I tried them on, and not only were they slim as hell (at $14 I figured I'd ignore the moose knuckle they created), they required no alterations! The legs tapered a lot, but not to the point that they could be called "skinny" jeans, which was a bullshit boundary I had set up so I could tell myself that I wasn't being too trendy.

I can now admit that I was flat-out lying to myself. But it gets worse.

TIGHT PANTS

I crossed the line one last time when I walked into an Urban Outfitters during a sale and bought an embarrassingly slim pair of jeans. I've only worn them about ten times since I got them three years ago, the reason for which is twofold:

1. I dubbed them my "four-hour jeans" because around the four-hour mark it feels like they've come to life and are trying to strangle my balls, and
2. They're skinny jeans. I didn't want to admit it when I bought them; I got swept up in a good price and finding something in my size, which is a rare occurrence. All I'd need to do is wear them halfway down my ass and throw on some neon yellow-framed sunglasses and I'd look like a hipster.

The evolution of my taste in denim was like that guy Jared from the Subway commercials, except Jared would have had to become anorexic at the end for the comparison to fully work. Don't get me wrong, I still like slim clothes. I'm a thin guy and I like to show off, so wearing garments that gently hug the body is a good thing for me. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I'm starting to put more emphasis on gently hugging the body. Nowadays I'm happy with slim, straight-leg jeans with a slight break. They show off my shoes, look good with tailored clothing, and don't squeeze the shit out of my nuts.

There are two lessons here: First, only buy clothes that work with your body type. It will take some trial and error to learn what's good for you. Hell, it took me thirteen years. But once you make all the mistakes you need to make, you'll be confident in spending money on things that you know will work and are comfortable to wear. And you'll enjoy wearing these things even more.

Second, your testicles are real things and should not be ignored when buying pants.

Nail Polish For Men. Hmpf.

A while back a friend of mine e-mailed me and alerted me to the existence of Alpha Nail. This is nail polish that's designed specifically for men, whatever the hell that means. Apparently it's officially a thing for guys now, and he asked me to respond in the form of a blog post.

I'll admit that I absolutely hate their marketing technique. The vibe of the website is the same you get from Axe Body Spray and Maxim magazine, which is to say that consuming their product means you're a bad ass who wins fights, parties "like a rock star," gets laid 365 days a year by 365 different women (except for Leap Year, of course), and sees himself as an alpha male who has no reason to give a damn about what anyone thinks of him because he's so, you know, alpha.

This kind of advertising turns me off because I feel like it appeals to stereotypes of straight guys as being macho and sex-obsessed. I will never buy these products or recommend them to anyone as a result of this, but there's an interesting gender-role question going on here that should be addressed.

Nail polish is traditionally a woman's thing, and Alpha Nail knows this; they go so far as to mention that their applicators aren't "dainty" like the ones used by women. While the idea of a guy wearing nail polish seems ridiculous, they make a decent case for it by mentioning that some UFC fighters wear it, and I am certainly not going to call a UFC fighter out on wearing nail polish. In fact, I'm not going to call out a UFC fighter on much of anything because I value my physical well-being. Also, Dave Navarro wears nail polish, and he happens to be one my favorite guitar players ever. Seriously, listen to the solo in "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction and tell me that it isn't amazing. It starts right at the two-minute mark.

My gut reaction is, "This is maybe the most ridiculous, tacky, Jersey Shore-inspired abomination ever," but why do I feel that way? There's an interesting theme in gender role reversals: when women do masculine things, it's acceptable and sometimes even sexy. The classic example is a woman in an over-sized white dress shirt, loosely knotted necktie, and little else. Hot, right? But when a man enters the realm of the feminine -especially with anything related to cosmetics and grooming- we view it negatively as effete and/or see it as a symptom of the gay gene.

So women acting like men is fine, but men acting like women isn't? We've come a long way in terms of gender equality, but this is a more subliminal case of femininity being viewed as less desirable than masculinity. Homosexuality, while rightfully gaining more and more mainstream acceptance, is often perceived as worse than being a woman. To prove my point, compare how often we see lesbian sex scenes in movies and TV versus how often we see gay men having sex. I can think of the movie Milk and HBO's The Wire, but that's it. It's sad, but it's still too taboo for mainstream consumption.

Parodoxically, Alpha Nail is breaking down gender barriers ("Guys can wear nail polish too!") while simultaneously reinforcing them ("We don't make you use those dainty little women's nail polish applicators so that way you maintain your alpha male badassery!"). And while I hate to admit it, they've forced me to do some introspection on how I really feel about those gender roles, and it seems that I need further enlightenment. Thankfully, self-improvement isn't impossible.

Some advice: at the very least, don't wear this stuff to an average job interview.

I Seem To Have A Troll

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE.

I guess it was bound to happen at some point; I've been putting myself out on the Interwebs for a long time now, and I finally got trolled in the comments for Primarily Colorful. I won't reprint the three-comment-long exchange here because this person posted comments that were incredibly racist towards black people, but you can click on the link above if you'd like to see it. Most notably, this commenter, who actually gave his name in a rare act of Internet bravery (is "Anonymous" Anglo-Saxon in origin? Perhaps Latin-based? Help me out here, etymologists.), used the word "schwartze," the German word for "black" that was absorbed into Yiddish as a derogatory term for black people.

Though I shouldn't have gotten pissed off over someone who is such a gaping asshole that he/she spends his/her time spewing abuse anonymously on the Internet, this upset me greatly for a couple of reasons.

First, I find racism abhorrent. This is not to say that I fancy myself colorblind; I, like everyone else in the world whether or not they'd like to admit it, see skin color and notice it. Like everyone who is not a complete jackass, I try to heed Dr. Martin Luther King and judge people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. My parents taught me that "there's good and bad in everyone." I get exceptionally angry when hearing about racism and once bit a co-worker's head off years ago after this person referred to a difficult customer as a "black bitch." So when I saw a racist comment on my blog (after I was politely told to commit suicide for using the word "jawn"), I got angry.

Second, this commenter used some Yiddish terminology that I described above. I don't know if this person is Jewish, knows I'm Jewish, or inferred that I was Jewish because I used the word "oy," but the word "schwartze" as it's used in Yiddish is incredibly embarrassing to me. As a Jew, I strongly believe that Jews who succumb to racism -towards anyone, not just blacks- need to re-read our people's history and think about all the times we've been discriminated against, literally to the point of near-extermination. If after that you still can't see the role-reversal, you are pathetically ignorant.

In response to this, I am now managing any comments on my blog. I don't care of someone disagrees with me (see the shitstorm that happened two years ago), but I do care about my little slice of the Internet being a civil forum for discussion and refuse to let it be a place where any anonymous dickhole can spew racism and get away with it. Let's keep it classy, and thanks to anyone who's commented in a positive and/or constructive way since I started writing.

Shoe Basics

I got a reader question the other day, which I edited slightly for clarity:

"How do you go about choosing shoes? I've realized I don't really have much taste in shoes but am well aware as to how important they are in completing an outfit. Any tips in terms of what's good, what's not and how to choose stuff out? My usual move is to just bring a lady friend to come shopping with me and pick stuff out, but I figure I might as well pick your brain and see what you have to say.
And another thing, I live in a city and am constantly walking. As such, my shoes get dirtied and scuffed up fairly quickly. As a result, I don't really like to spend much money on my shoes (a.k.a less than $100). ENLIGHTEN ME, please."

This is a great question, and you're right when you say that shoes are very important in completing an outfit. I'll assume you're talking about dress or dress-casual shoes, meaning ones with a leather sole and heel, or some combination of leather and rubber. I need to start it off by gently nudging you away from the practice of buying cheap shoes because you're a city dweller and they get beaten up. I live in a big, walkable city too and am very familiar with the havoc that walking on pavement can wreak on your footwear. The way you deal with this is not to buy cheap shoes and wear them into the ground, but rather to spend more money on nicer ones and actively take care of them. Doing so will make them last longer and therefore be cheaper in the long run. Another way to make shoes last longer is to own a few pairs and not wear the same ones two days in a row. Less wear means longer wear.

"Actively take care of them" means to polish them regularly (once every two weeks or so if they're your only pair), keep cedar shoe trees in them when they're not on your feet (this will wick away moisture and keep the uppers looking and feeling nice), and get them re-soled/re-heeled as often as necessary. It's much better to spend $60 or $70 every year or two to get new soles on an amazing pair of comfortable shoes as opposed to spend $100 on new shoes that have to be broken in all over again. Additionally, better made shoes (which will inevitably be more expensive) are better for your feet, meaning that they're better for your legs, meaning that they're better for your back.

Just for a point of reference, we're talking about "good" dress shoes when we get up to the $200 range, but that's at full retail price for many Cole Haans, Kenneth Coles, and brands offering similar quality. These brands also have outlet stores and nearly incessant promos in stores and online, so you can generally avoid paying full price and get something that's closer to what you're comfortable spending. No matter how you slice it, save up for the good stuff and your feet will thank you for it.

With that out of the way, what makes for a "good" shoe? If we're talking about dress shoes, then you need something with a leather sole and heel. The heel and sole can have some rubber on them for traction if you like, but make sure that the rubber isn't visible when looking at the shoe from the side:

I prefer shoes with a tapered (not pointy) toe, as I feel they elongate my short frame and just look a bit more elegant. Tall thin men, on the other hand, can wear rounded-toe shoes to great effect because they obviously don't need any help looking taller. Avoid fully square-toed shoes like the plague.

For a short list of shoes I think every guy should own, check out this previous post. Obviously keep your wardrobe in mind when selecting your first few pairs, and pick out shoes that go with most of the items you already own. Maximum utility is key here.

Finally, if we're talking about sneakers, I see no reason to spend a lot of money. I know there's a whole sneaker-collecting culture out there in which folks will spend hundreds of dollars on limited-edition Nikes or Jordans, and I never understood it. In fact, if any readers are sneaker-heads, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the collectible sneaker thing. Regardless, I say that if you wear sneakers with, say, cool jeans and a fitted track jacket, make sure that they're slim, streamlined ones. Athletic sneakers are good for athletics and that's it.

Again, I'm An Internet Sensation

Today I was featured in Racked.com's Philly section with my suggestions for last-minute gift-shopping. Check it out:

http://philly.racked.com/archives/2012/12/19/six-lastminute-holiday-shopping-spots-from-a-style-expert.php