Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Pack Much Back, Much?
I don't know how the hell it happened, but after posting "The In-Betweens" on the Facebooks, an interesting conversation was generated in regards to how to dress if you're a guy whose body is normal except for an unusually large tucas. Since I'm a small-framed guy, I've never considered such a predicament, but the question is totally valid. What's a dude an ample badonkadonk supposed to wear? Apple Bottom jeans? Boots with fur? Certainly not sweatpants.
Please read the rest of this entry before Googling "men with big butts." I should have known better.
For the purposes of this entry, let's say that this bootylicious guy is:
A) Not paying to have all his clothes custom-made, and
B) Looking for day-in, day-out pants: jeans, khakis, and that kind of thing. Let's also assume that the issue he's experiencing is that while his waist size is, let's say, 32", he needs to go up to a 34" or 35" waist size just to get the pants to fit around his posterior. If the increase in size is two inches or less, it's fine to buy the larger size and have the waist taken in by a competent tailor. In fact, if you have the dough, have the tailor taper the leg too, if possible. Remember, however, that an increase of more than two inches will likely result in your pants looking strange because the back pockets will appear too close together.
Depending on how you like your pants to fit, it's also worth trying on a slimmer fitting pant in a larger waist size. If you're a 32" waist and like a not-too-snug, not-too-baggy fit, going up to a 34-35" waist on a slimmer cut might alleviate the problem.
It's also important to look for brands that do more to accommodate what your momma gave you, and the only way to figure this out is by trial and error. After a good bit of Googling, Wrangler and Bonobo came up. I haven't worn Wranglers since I was ten and while the Bonobos generally look cool and the company offers a great return policy with free shipping, they can get a little pricey and I can't personally speak to the quality of them. Take a day to go shopping at a bunch of different places and try on every pair of pants that you like in a few different sizes. This method can also work in department stores that carry various brands. Find a salesperson who will actually tell you when something doesn't look right (that's how you know he/she is being honest), and write down what works.
Another option is to avoid tucking in shirts if at all possible. This will draw less attention to your waistline and, by extension, that big, healthy ass of yours. If you have to tuck in, throw on a single-vented sport coat if it isn't too hot outside (side vents tend to maximize the gluteus maximus, not minimize it). Be absolutely sure, however, that the coat isn't too tight, as this will cause your vent to pull apart and make your ass look like it's bigger than it actually is.
As last ditch efforts, you could stuff your crotch to try to even things out, pay for liposuction, or get a job as an exotic dancer at a sleazy Western-themed male strip joint so you only have to wear chaps. Becoming a professional Jennifer Lopez impersonator might be in the cards for you too.