A Case of Extremes

I love my new iPhone. I've had it for about a month, and every day I'm blown away by its capabilities. In a span of five minutes, I can be playing Angry Birds while listening to Internet radio on my Pandora app and be interrupted to respond to a text message about whether or not I received an e-mail on which I was copied. For a phone, it also has a pretty sweet camera feature that allows me to take a snapshot of something whenever the opportunity arises to do so. Hence, the photo you see above (I've covered the subject's face in both a fake mustache and a seemingly all-too-appropriate American flag icon, courtesy of picnik.com). Forgive the fuzziness; I'm a crap photographer and you people will just have to deal with that.

Anyone who rides public transportation regularly knows that it offers ample opportunity to see some full-blown ridiculousness. Sure, there's the standard fare: the guy who's been running the same "I have cancer and need money for medicine" bit for a decade now, and there are plenty of people hawking "CD's, DVD's, incense, and body oils" to passersby. More interestingly, I've also seen breakdancing trios and a cappella groups on subways, and I've drunkenly watched an elderly, insane homeless woman hurl change at people on a bus only to witness her exit that bus at the next stop and see her pants fall down, exposing her bare ass to everyone else unfortunate enough to be on a SEPTA vehicle at three in the morning.

But I digress. After I got over the initial shock of seeing the guy in this photo, I realized that this outfit is an extreme case of mixing two complete sartorial opposites. One way Dictionary.com defines camouflage as "a device or stratagem used for concealment." In other words, wearing camo is supposed to allow the wearer to avoid being spotted, to blend in so well that he or she becomes nearly invisible. Donning a pink wig, on the other hand, has the complete opposite effect of camouflage and stands out even more with that as its backdrop. It screams for attention and will do nothing to help you blend in with your surroundings. There's no doubt in my mind that this man's enemies will spot him easily.

The lesson here? Feel free to blend the high and the low, but don't go crazy with it. Jeans and a tie can certainly look great together, but sweatpants and a suit jacket are a different story. If it's attention you crave, blending sartorial extremes is a good way to get it. It's negative attention, however, and it's important to remember that you'll be looked upon as misguided or foolish as opposed to well-dressed. Everything in moderation, folks.

A Word About Sunglasses

Wearing a suit and tie is like building a house: once you have a good foundation, the accoutrements end up doing most of the talking. One house's fireplace is like a suit jacket's lining, just as its curtains are equivalent to a tie, and its windows akin to sunglasses. When all the elements of building a home are harmonious, you get a beautiful place to live. When all elements of a suit are harmonious, you get a beautiful thing to wear.

On that note, I need to do a PSA in regards to men wearing athletic wraparound sunglasses like Oakleys with their suits. At a rudimentary level, all of your accessories should be as dressy as your suit; this is why we wear dress shoes instead of sneakers and leather-band watches as opposed to plastic digital ones. The same logic calls for sunglasses. Wraparound sunglasses are athletic wear and look terrible with suitings. Wearing one with the other makes as much sense as outfitting a stately, luxurious house with tacky Christmas lights.

A better option? Depending on the shape of your face, aviators can be a killer choice, as evidenced on Brad Pitt above (though I question his decision to go sans handkerchief). Well-made aviators have slim lines that sync up well with those of a suit's, and they're also easy to throw on with a t-shirt and jeans. Persols like the ones Steve McQueen wore in The Thomas Crowne Affair are clearly mega-ballin', as evidenced in the photo above. As far as price goes, you can find either of these silhouettes at any price point, from ultra-cheap to Bill Gates-thinks-it's-prohibitively expensive. Once you find a silhouette that meshes well with your facial structure, you'll see that you'll look so much better in these than your wraparounds that you'll probably leave the latter for athletic wear exclusively.

A Minor Dilemma

This question showed up in my inbox about a week ago:

I have sartorial a question for you. As uninspired and bland a dresser I am I enjoy wearing 3-piece suits. My question is with a 3-piece suit is a tie bar overkill? I like the idea of wearing one but I dont know if I should be wearing it.

This is a great question. Tie bars are a fantastic way to add some polish to your look (I never wear a tie without one), and I argue that a well-cut three-piece suit is the outfit in which a man looks his absolute best, like he's wearing an incredibly elegant suit of armor. The problem we run into here is that the vest of a three-piece suit fills the utilitarian role a tie clip would; it holds your tie in place, thus rendering the tie clip superfluous. What the hell are you supposed to do here?

Not all of menswear is utilitarian, however, and I suggest using some good judgement in terms of where and when to combine the two. Are you headed to a fall wedding? By all means, get your shine on and use a tie clip a little higher up than normal so you can see it above the vest. If you're attending a funeral, on the other hand, it's best to keep the bling to a minimum and skip the hardware. Even if you look fantastic, drawing attention to yourself when doing so would be uncouth will make you look disrespectful, ostentatious, or douchey.

For some inspiration on how to get started combining vests and tie clips, check out dude on the left in the picture above. Him and his buddy are dandy as all hell, but he wears a tie clip with a vest to great effect. Killer.

Style Profile: Marvin Gaye

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, a time Americans set aside to remember those servicemen and women who died in service to our country by taking advantage of retail sales and grilling at someone's beach house. I don't know about you, but I think this lacks some of the sobriety and thoughtfulness that remembering our country's fallen soldiers should induce.

With that, I humbly submit this video of one of my favorite artists ever, Marvin Gaye, singing the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1983 NBA All-Star Game. It's one of the most unorthodox versions of the song you'll ever hear (very 80's-sounding to be sure, but good nonetheless), and it's safe to say that this man could dress his ass off. Everything about what he's wearing reeks of timeless style and unparalleled swag. Note the following:

-A perfectly fitted double-breasted suit with peak lapels and side vents.
-A graceful arc in his perfectly knotted tie.
-A pocket square that doesn't match the tie AND is puffed out like crazy.
-One half of one inch of shirt cuff showing from underneath his jacket sleeve.
-Sunglasses so thoroughly boss that he doesn't even take them off while indoors.
-Women hooting and hollering at him.

Then listen to his gentle, soulful voice; it'll help you remember just why we take this time to chomp down burgers and hot dogs with friends and family. Be safe, and Happy Memorial Day.

Tough Guys Wear Pink

With the passing of Easter, it seems like spring has finally sprung. After a mostly rainy, chilly April, this is a welcome change to everyone. We can finally start putting sweaters away and pulling out the warm weather threads. Lighweight tan khakis? Check. Blue suede loafers made for sockless wear? Check. Pink polo shirt? Oh hell yes.

I love wearing pink. Pink polos, pink dress shirts, pink ties, and even pink socks. I know a lot of guys aren't into the color, and I strongly believe that this is because they feel like they'll be perceived as effeminate, gay, or both. First this idea is totally arbitrary and has changed over the decades, as evidenced by this citation I copied and pasted from Wikipedia's article on the color pink:

"In Western culture, the practice of assigning pink to an individual gender began in the 1920s or earlier. An article in the Ladies' Home Journal in June 1918 said: 'The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.'" Western society has clearly flipped the script on itself as far as gender/color assignments are concerned, but this quote just goes to show that these assignments are meaningless. Given the state we're currently in, however, it also shows that it takes a man who's very secure in his masculinity to wear pink. You know, tough guys.

To avoid wearing pink is incredibly ill-advised because most people actually look quite good in the color, especially if you're like me and have a pinkish undertone to your pasty, Ashkenazi Jewish skin. The pink shirt will make your face look flush with color and literally brighten your countenance, and you're likely missing out on some very positive attention by not throwing this color on under your face. Just as a tip, if you don't know what the concept of an "undertone" is, ask your girlfriend, who probably thinks about it when she's buying makeup. If she thinks men shouldn't be wearing pink, dump her ass.

Show some confidence and break out of the blue box sometime this spring. Don't pop the collar on your polo shirt, though, I don't give a damn what color it is. Nothing says "I'm a complete douchebag" like a popped polo collar, so unless you want to send that message, keep it down where it was meant to be.

(Oxy)moronic Dressing

Like so many things in life, dressing well requires an understanding of the big picture, the reasons for wearing the things we wear. If you lose sight of the sartorial message you're trying to send, you will ultimately look foolish. This, for example, is why wearing socks and sandals looks ridiculous. The entire point of wearing sandals is to enjoy socklessness, so why the hell would you wear socks with them? All you end up doing is demonstrating that you've completely missed the point. It's a sartorial oxymoron.

I witnessed a similar situation a few days ago when I saw a man wearing a black peacoat, oversized charcoal grey pleated dress pants, and a pair of black Adidas Sambas. Sadly, this guy had no idea what the hell he was doing and looked like a retarded man-child as a result. Forget about the fact that his clothes fit him like hell; he was wearing dress pants and sneakers, which completely dilutes the meaning of both.

I believe it was back in 2009 when GQ openly endorsed wearing suits with sneakers. In their defense, they only gave the green light to sneakers with minimal detailing and slim proportions, but I still think the advice was misguided and overly trendy. This was one of the first times I'd ever read the magazine and disagreed with the sartorial advice it's offered, and seeing it in action (though the execution was particularly poor) made me assess why I think it looks so foolish. Suits are a modern Western man's way of dressing up, and sneakers are a modern Western man's way of dressing down. While this blending of the high and the low can sometimes work (dress shoes with certain jeans, button-down collar shirts with some suits), pairing sneakers with a suit just looks silly, no matter how cute your girlfriend thinks the guy from Entourage (pictured above) is. If you want your feet to be comfortable, finding comfortable dress shoes is totally doable if you, you know, try on more than one pair. If you want to take some of the stuffiness out of the suit, I suggest that you either:

a) ditch the tie, or
b) consider wearing something besides a fucking suit.

Remember, this suits-with-sneakers trend is just that: a trend. It'll be gone sooner than we know it, and you don't want to be the guy reworking his whole wardrobe just because GQ told you to.

The Thing About Suede

As far as spring footwear goes, you can't really beat a well-worn pair of light-colored suede shoes. Also known as "reverse-calf," suede is actually a type of leather made from the underside of the calf's skin (hence the aforementioned term), the right style can dress up or down very easily. Casually they look fantastic with khakis or jeans, while the Duke of Windsor himself was the man who popularized wearing chocolate suede shoes with a grey suit, a look that's still regarded as smart, as evidenced by Prince Charles in the photo above. Additionally, the material is extremely pliable, meaning you spend less time breaking them in and more time enjoying comfortable, good-looking shoes.

As you may already know, however, suede is a delicate material. In a rare instance of poor planning on my part, I was caught in the rain this morning wearing my light brown suede bluchers. All it took was walking a total of seven or so city blocks before they got soaked, and I was pissed at myself for allowing such a thing to happen. Here's what I did to (successfully) bring my babies back from the dead:

1. Spray those jawns. Many shoe stores offer protectant sprays on the cheap. They're not bullshitting you when they try to sell you on it, so pick some up and spray your suedes before wearing them, and then periodically after that.

2. If they get wet, let them air-dry. Do NOT set them next to a heater or something like that to try and speed up the process. It'll do more harm than good. Keeping shoe trees inside them will help them dry even better.

3. Use a suede brush to restore the nap. Once the shoes dry, they'll still be spotted. Most water spots can be removed using a suede brush; try it in a couple of different directions for thoroughness and you should be good. Remember, though, that they won't look brand new after doing this; once suede is worn, it starts to look, well, worn, and there's nothing bad about it. It's just the character of the material, and if you get them stained or wet, you're just gonna have to learn to love it.

4. Don't get caught wearing them in the rain again, you dumbass. If they get seriously stained and you can't do anything about it yourself, drop them off at a reputable cobbler and have them cleaned professionally.

Next time it's warm enough, try out a pair of suede shoes with khakis, a polo, and no socks. You'll look good as a result of this alone, and if your shoes are worn in but cleaned, you'll have achieved summertime baller status.